For centuries we have heard that children strengthen the bond between the couple. More so, children make a family complete and bring ultimate happiness to the couple’s lives. While that may be true in some cases, are parents really happier than child free couples? Well, multiple pieces of research argue otherwise.
The concept of being happy, satisfied, and content as a parent is so deeply rooted in our culture that those who try to voice their opinions contrary to the fact are faced with severe backlash from family, friends, and society. The unsaid yet immense pressure of ‘enjoying’ parenthood has become overwhelming for several couples. This is one of the reasons why most parents will not speak about the troubles and setbacks they had to face, only because they chose parenthood.
The truth is that parenting comes with its pros and cons. And the cons are far more influential than the pros. Evidently, this makes childless couples far happier and more content than most parents because they don’t have to deal with the constant stressors of parenting.
Here is what the science thinks:
The National Academy of Science published detailed research based on 1.8 million parents and child-free couples in America. The study proved that parents experience significant highs and lows than child-free couples. The highs are usually up until a few years after the birth of the child but dissipate slowly as the years proceed. And pick up again as the child leaves home in adulthood.
Having said that, the lows can be really low too. Parents are often more stressed and depressed than childfree couples. Battling with negative emotions becomes a constant plot. It can be
tapped into with a single inconvenience, creating endless strain on the relationship.
Another research conducted by the Open University
in England surveyed more than five thousand people in England and the United States. The study concluded that couples with no children had better relationships and intimacy dynamics than
the ones with kids. In addition, childless couples had the time and energy to invest in their relationship rather than getting stuck in the puzzled loop of parenting.
It is evident by the facts that child-free couples are indeed happier than most parents. So the more appropriate question is, why does having kids not provide the happiness and content we
initially thought it will?
The Parent Trap
Anyone who decides not to have kids is aggressively judged and seen with utter disgust. There is a pattern of studies that enforced a direct relationship between parenthood and happiness. A review by Thomas Hansen in 2011 discussed that the lives of childless people are lonelier, emptier, depressive, and way less rewarding than the lives of couples with kids. However, the review was soon shredded to pieces by many other researchers proving the opposite to be true.
Likewise, couples are forced to base their marital happiness on having kids. If a couple does not have kids, they are treated differently, often looked upon with sympathy, and assessed negatively for having an incomplete family. Hence, the pressure kicks in, and most couples end up having kids, contrary to their original preference.
The Roller Coaster of Parenting
The roller coaster is the perfect depiction of parenthood. The happiness bumps and the depressive shallows can take a serious toll. From the parents’ mental health to their financial position andintimate relationship, nothing can endure the shocks that come with becoming a parent. But like everything else, this side of parenting is often hushed.
The happiness of parents declines after a certain point, but they have to keep the show running. Whereas non-parents grow happier gradually, which can also be seen vividly in their companionship. It is not that parents feel lukewarm about having a baby; it is the fact that child-bearing is not an easy task. It requires and takes a lot from the parents’ lives. Hence the plummet in the excitement of having a child after realizing the work it takes to raise a child.
On the other hand, having a child does increase a person’s satisfaction levels, but it is accompanied by a tremendous amount of daily stress and responsibilities that can be tough to deal with on a recurring basis. Parallelly, Princeton University and Stony Brook University conducted joint research to study the differences between the satisfaction levels of parents and non-parents. The research came forward with the finding that life without kids is much more stable and has similar satisfaction levels, if not more.
Childrearing is Over Romanticized
In theory, parents must be thoughtful and prepared to bring and raise a new life into this world. Whereas, that is hardly ever the case in reality. Raising a child is like flushing your money down the drain. On average, it takes roughly $13000 annually to raise a child, and the cost can be higher if parents pay for childcare for kids under six years of age.
Plus, parenting is the first name for making sacrifices. As the child becomes the primary factor around which parents have to manage their other engagements, priorities change 180 degrees. This means that most parents give up the luxury of time on their side, without any added cost, that is. Simply put, if parents bungle raising their child due to lack of finances and time, the child faces the consequences, and there’s nothing much at that point to be done.
Clearly, parenting is time-consuming and financially draining. This further leads to the hard reality that couples have to make compromises on their end continuously to meet the expectations of being responsible parents. Whether it’s ignoring invites to social gatherings, buying things their heart pleases, or drowning in parent guilt just because they chose peace over parenting for a few hours. The resentment of missing out keeps piling up and bursts in the form of relationship fallouts and neglectful parenting.
What about the couple’s intimacy?
It is only a downhill road for intimacy after having a child. The intimate relationship changes completely after having a child, mainly because there is no time for the couple to connect emotionally or physically. Things that were fluid earlier begin to feel more like a chore. For example, spontaneity leaves the room, and now everything must be meticulously planned at least a week before; otherwise, it may turn into a major bust. This manual approach sucks the fun out and hands over a more robotic touch to the whole interaction.
The same applies to sexual activities between the couple. Most kids sleep in the same room as their parents and sometimes even in the same bed. This makes sex more complicated, tiresome, and full of limitations. Besides, sex is rarely a priority when there are more pressing issues on the parent’s minds, like body image, self-perception, low sexual desire, tiring days, and the anxiety of raising a child.
Whereas this is not the case with child-free couples. They have the mental space and physical capacity to indulge in adventuresome sexual activities and experiment with their intimacy. Furthermore, they can focus entirely on their relationship without any hindrance or limitations. This makes their relationship more exciting, fresh, and enjoyable, which is a rare occurrence for couples with kids.
The Worries and Crises of Being a Parent
Surprisingly, one of the few things parents talk about is their child. It is almost sad to see how the wiring of their relationships switches. What’s worse is that society implies this shift to be normal, rather preferable, for the couple. Inevitably, parents feel trapped in their mental prisons. They dwell over every small thing and submerge themselves in a pool of worries from which they are hardly ever able to afloat.
It is no secret that a parent’s life is loaded with a million stressors that dissemble their lives as an individual and a partner in a relationship. In addition, open media does not discuss the emotional, financial, and physical arm twists of having a child. And when the couple faces the reality of parenthood, they blame each other for every little thing. Soon the experience they looked forward to becomes a sour event, and before they can catch their senses, their lives have changed forever in every way, shape, and form.
Now, they endlessly worry about surviving another day as a family and hustling to provide a settled life for their child for a secure future. Surely enough, parents despise this mechanical
life but are scared to say it out loud.
So, What Can a Couple Do?
Ultimately, having a child can be a positive experience for many families. But the fact remains that it is not for everyone. Although parents feel joyful about having offspring that will take their legacy forward and support them in old age, it doesn’t necessarily provide deeper meaning, happiness, satisfaction, or bond in the parents’ lives. Being a parent is a journey; one should begin with their eyes wide open. Couples should prioritize making a life and a mental capacity that is supportive of having a child and not having children merely because society pressurizes them to pursue parenthood.
Having said that, couples must make parenting a choice, not an obligation. Unfortunately, many people in the mainstream support the idea of happy parenthood in every circumstance but fail to highlight that child-free couples are often happier than most parents. Therefore, it is absolutely normal and acceptable for couples to remain child-free and enjoy their time, money, and freedom without any guilt or pressure from society.
